Red flags vs boundaries (how to tell fast)
A simple way to separate real red flags from normal boundaries—and what to do next.
“Red flag” gets used for everything—from genuine danger to normal boundaries. The difference matters because it changes what you do next.
Red flag (pattern of harm)
- Repeated lying, manipulation, intimidation
- Isolation, control, punishment, threats
- Blame-shifting: “You made me do it”
Boundary (self-protection)
- Clear limit + consistent consequence
- Doesn’t require the other person to agree
- Focuses on what you will do
A fast rule
If the behavior is a pattern and creates fear, control, or harm—treat it as a red flag. If it’s about your comfort and needs—set a boundary.
For mixed signals and confusing texts, use the Text Decoder; for deeper patterns, take the Attachment test.
FAQ
Can someone change a red-flag behavior?
Sometimes, but only with accountability, consistency, and usually support. Words alone don’t count.
Is jealousy always a red flag?
Not always. Jealousy becomes a red flag when it turns into control, punishment, or surveillance.
How do I set a boundary without sounding harsh?
Use one calm sentence: “If X happens, I will do Y.” Then follow through.